


Don't be so hard on yourself

by DreamDrop



Series: The bodyguard and his protégé [7]
Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Communication, Damen and Laurent have their convesation, Damen is insecure, Laurent is not, Lazar and Laurent friendship, M/M, it works pretty well for them, mentioned - Freeform, they really need to sort their things out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:47:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26976094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamDrop/pseuds/DreamDrop
Summary: Damen and Laurent talk.---Laurent held himself carefully controlled and that was indication enough for Damen that he was in trouble. They hadn't had their first fight yet and he knew that if he reacted wrongly now this could turn out to be the one. He should have known that Laurent wouldn't take kindly towards him voicing his self-doubts, his self-loathing and his bad conscience for his role in their relationship.But now, it was too late and after the hard talk they had just finished with Auguste, Damen wasn't really looking forward to the hard talk that awaited him now.
Relationships: Damen/Laurent (Captive Prince), Laurent & Lazar (Captive Prince)
Series: The bodyguard and his protégé [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1834633
Comments: 6
Kudos: 46





	Don't be so hard on yourself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [valarmorghulis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/valarmorghulis/gifts).



> Hello my dear readers,  
> I'm back with the next part of the bodyguard AU :)  
> I hope you like it. I would love to read your thoughts!  
> Best wishes and stay healthy.

Laurent held himself carefully controlled and that was indication enough for Damen that he was in trouble. They hadn't had their first fight yet and he knew that if he reacted wrongly now this could turn out to be the one. He should have known that Laurent wouldn't take kindly towards him voicing his self-doubts, his self-loathing and his bad conscience for his role in their relationship.

But now, it was too late and after the hard talk they had just finished with Auguste, Damen wasn't really looking forward to the hard talk that awaited him now.

"Damen, sit down for fucks sake, I am not going to rip your head off." Laurent looked at him with one raised eyebrow and gestured towards the sitting area in his rooms. Damen complied immediately. He wasn't really asking for a disagreement between them.

"For starters, you should know that I am still a bit angry at you and that might cause me to be a bit prickly but overall I can understand your thoughts and I don't judge you for them."

Damen let out a relieved breath. That was better than what he had hoped for. "Good. I don't want you to be angry with me, sweetheart."

"And I don't want to be angry with you but still, your words hurt me. I felt as if you don't take me serious and that makes me furious."  
Damen nodded. He understood how Laurent could get that impression from him. "I just want you to know that I take you very serious and that I know that you are old enough to decide for yourself. Sometimes, I just struggle with differentiating between you now and you as the child I took care of."

Laurent sighed and sat down across from him. He looked older than he was, he looked serious and severe. There was none of that easy hopefulness about him that other people his age had in spades. "I know and I understand that. However, I think it does neither of us any good if we try to ignore it any longer. I want you to be brutally honest to me right now even if you know that I won't like it and I already apologize if I might balk a bit at certain things you say but we need to work through it. I can't keep being in this relationship if I have the feeling that you don't want to be with me."

For a moment, there was silence because Damen was in total awe before the magnificent man across from him. Laurent was only 23 and Damen seriously doubted that he himself would have been mature enough to have this talk with his then girlfriend. He smiled and stood.  
A few strides brought him over to Laurent. He kneeled beside his chair and cupped his face. "You are amazing and I love you so much I sometimes have the feeling that my heart is going to explode. You are incredible."

Laurent stared down at him. His blue eyes wide and disbelieving, this was an expression that suited his age much more. Damen smiled and placed a soft kiss on his forehead before he went back to his chair. His boyfriend still silently watching him. It was a bit as if he was in a trance. His eyes were big and startled, innocent in their obvious surprise. He reminded Damen so much of a much younger Laurent that his heart ached.

"You are not playing fair, Damianos. How am I supposed to have a serious talk with you if you make me want to climb you like a tree?" Laurent sounded a bit put out and somehow Damen expected him to pout just like he did when he was ten years old. Unfortunately, Laurent had more self-control now than he had as a child and his face was blank. His full lower lip was distracting nonetheless. 

Damen needed to forcefully tear his eyes away from the view to be able to formulate the next sentences.  
"Sorry. I just wanted you to know how much I admire you, even though I sometimes act like an idiot. I know that you are one of the most capable human beings on this earth and I know that you can handle yourself just fine. Sometimes it's just hard for me to acknowledge that you-"

Laurent interrupted him, "That I have my own desires and you happen to be one of them. Damen, I know you think I let myself be influenced by our shared past and that I only want to be with you because you feel save to me and that is a dangerous thought to have. I have to admit that it's partially my fault, I should have been clearer with my feelings and reasons. I know you don't think like I do and I know you sometimes need to hear things spoken aloud. I will try my best to accommodate you from now on."

He paused before he heaved a deep sigh and said, "It's just hard to talk about all these… feelings," Laurent sounded like the word itself was distasteful.

Damen smiled indulgently at the man before him. Obviously, he knew how Laurent felt about talking about feelings. It was not something that came easily to him but he would do it nonetheless if the occasion required it.

“You know I love you, Laurent. I will always love you and I can’t imagine a life anymore without you in it. I just never want to pressure you into being with me if you don’t want to. You are still so young and I am a decade older than you.“

“Age is only a number, Damen. It’s not as if people get wiser with age per default. That’s a rather rare occurrence in my limited experience. I don’t think that’s really an argument to doubt our relationship.“ Laurent dragged one hand through his hair. A nervous gesture that was so out of character for the put together person Laurent normally was, that in that exact moment Damen realized how much this talk affected him.

“I am sure I want you, I want to be with you, but I am not sure if you really want the same thing. I am ready to settle down, to marry and I don‘t want to skip your life forward.“ Absolute honesty was what Laurent had asked of him and Damen would provide it although Laurent might dislike the result. 

“Let that be my worry, Damen. I know what I‘m getting myself into with choosing a relationship with you. Honestly, did you think I would treat you like every other 20 something year old or expect you to treat me as if you were still 25?“ Laurent observed him with cool assessment. It was almost as if they were discussing the balance sheet at the end of the year. Damen knew this was Laurent’s way of handling feelings and emotions. Picking them apart until he got to the bottom of the whole mess. He wasn’t someone to just jump in and let it happen. It was one of the many things Damen loved about him.

He knew this was a loosing battle. He breathed deeply and then nodded. “Fine. If that‘s what you want. I will stop worrying about fast forwarding your life. But I need something in return.“  
“What?“ Laurent still looked at him with unflinching focus.  
“You have to tell me if something is too fast for you or too soon. I need to know that you will be comfortable enough to tell me that much.“

Laurent nodded slowly. He had a sardonic smile on his lips, almost as if the situation amused him to no end. “You know, I never thought you would say these words to me. I always assumed you would encourage me to just let go and take the step over the edge.“

Damen couldn‘t help his self-deprecating laugh. “That‘s most likely what I would have told you if you had wanted to date Regulus. Although I was so jealous I thought I might go crazy with it.“  
Laurent reclined against the back of his chair and pressed the tips of his fingers together. “Why?“

“Because that‘s just how I imagined your life to go. Find a young, attractive, nice guy who would worship the ground you‘re walking on. Date him for some months, or years, before moving in with him and then living together some more years before a marriage and adopting one or two children.“

Laurent laughed. He shook his head and rolled his eyes. “And what lead you to the assumption that’s how it was going to be? I mean I am not really the type that inspires the visions you clearly had in order for your plan to work.“

Damen thought about it for a second. “I think that‘s just what I wished for myself and that led me to believe you would want that too. It‘s stupid but when I was your age that was my image of a perfect future. I never happened for me but I hoped you would get it.“  
He shrugged. Almost embarrassed by this confession. 

He could see Laurent’s features soften, the sharp edges melted to something warm and comforting and suddenly he felt a longing so deeply in his chest, he couldn’t stand to be so far away from Laurent anymore. He stood and took some slow steps towards the younger man.

“Well, why are you talking about this future as if it is already impossible for you to get? I mean, yes, I am not a typical nice guy, but I am young and attractive and honestly, I am so infatuated with you it’s ridiculous.” Laurent smiled softly and reached his hand out to Damen. 

He wrapped his fingers around the pale wrist offered to him and tugged Laurent up and agains this chest, who continued to talk, “and anyway, it’s not as if I could have chosen a better man than you, Damianos. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Remulus could not have made me happier than you.”

“Sweetheart, you really are more than I ever could hope for. Even if the future looks totally different, as long as I can share it with you, I won’t care about any particulars. I just want you to be happy.” He caressed one sharp cheekbone of the lovely face before him.

“I will make sure to be happy then. Don’t worry, I won’t regret choosing you, that’s something I know with absolute certainty. I chose you years ago and now that I finally get you, I won’t make either of us regret this.” Laurent pressed his lips against Damen’s palm. “That doesn’t mean I won’t argue with you. Because I can assure you that I will. Sometimes you drive me up the wall.” 

Damen laughed at this. Yes, for him there was no doubt that he would be very happy with the man before him. The worries in his head wouldn’t change any of that. He trusted Laurent to tell him if he was unhappy or if he needed something to change. He just needed to let go and take the step over the edge. 

Suddenly Laurent grinned up to him. “So, you were jealous of Remulus?” His eyes sparkled and he looked so playful that Damen knew their serious talk was over.  
“You have no idea how much. I smashed a vase against the wall of my office when Pallas told me.”

Laurent stared at him, his lips slightly parted and a silent laugh escaped him, it was a non-sound that could only be startled out of a person. He looked so disbelieving, it was endearing. “You can’t be serious.”  
“I am. You can ask Isander. The poor lad almost had a heart attack when he entered my office after the crash. He thought I was angry with something he had done. He almost cried before I explained to him that he was certainly not the reason for my anger.”

Laurent shook his head. He still looked incredulous, but somehow almost happy with that revelation. “Honestly, you deserve it. You have no idea how long I pined after you. I felt so stupid and I thought you could never want me. It was rather pitiful. In the end, even Lazar felt for me. There you can see how dire the situation was.”  
“How come Lazar even knew about it?” Damen didn't want to pry anymore than that. If Laurent were comfortable telling him, he would do so.

“Believe it or not, but Lazar is your most observant employee. He figured it out around my seventeenth birthday and since then he was the one to tease me and, at the same time, comfort me. That’s also one of the reasons I take him everywhere with me. He is very annoying but also a good friend, if you can believe it.”

Damen couldn’t, not really, but he always suspected that Lazar and Laurent had a special bond between them and he begrudged it neither of them. The two fit together almost too well.  
“In that case, I can’t fire him, ever.”

“That’s correct. But you wouldn’t anyway. He is too loyal for that.” Laurent patted him on the shoulder, almost as if it was the easiest thing in the world to figure out what Damen’s thought process was, and maybe it was, at least for him.

Damen had to kiss him then, it was the only option for him, really. 

He dragged his lips over Laurent’s, just to nibble at his lower lip and steal the breath from his lungs. Yes, he really looked forward to many more years with this man in his arms.


End file.
